It seems like every one and their brother has a Night Before Christmas parody. Mine appeared in fragments on Twitter a short while ago, during an odd moment of creative inspiration, and would’ve been completely lost to Twistory, had it not been for my good friend Sean Lintow Sr. capturing it. So, with only some minor editorial adjustments, here it is, in all its glory:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a squirrel was stirring, nor even a mouse.
My beer cans were stacked on the mantel with care,
In hope that Saint (John) Nicholas wouldn’t waste my time, once he got there.
I put down my Nexus, after checking NORAD’s radar map,
Then settled on the couch for a post bourbon nap.
When suddenly from the attic, there arose such a clatter!
I asked Alexandra to unlock my handcuffs, so I could see what was the matter.
With an old Revere lantern, and a tri-corner hat,
I swiftly scaled the attic stairs, despite my Thanksgiving Day fat.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, but Allison Bailes in a sleigh,
Pulled by thirteen squirrel-reindeer!
“Your fiberglass batts are improperly laid,
“And your leaky old duct work is in need of many band-aids.
“Your flues are so dirty, there could well be a fire,
“And with ambient CO levels so high, you’re soon to expire.
“But it’s the season for giving, that’s all I can say.
“So you’re getting a home energy retrofit, and we’re starting today.”
Then an elf with a blower door went running about,
And another with a strange yellow camera yelled “test in, and test out.”
They filled all offending leaks with this odd spraying foam,
And hung plastic vapor barriers all around my poor home.
They drilled ‘n filled my walls, despite my protestations,
‘Til Lead Elf Troast yelled “Get with the program, man — extreme conservation!”
When the elves were all done, my house was so tight,
I knew those Maxwellian demons were in for a fight!
Then Allison jumped back into his sleigh,
And called his squirrel-reindeer off on their way:
“On Daniel! On Tina! On Paula! Take us on high!
Crashing through the attic window, with flying splinters and lead paint,
Why, the sight of it all nearly caused me to faint!
And just before the sleigh flew well out of sight,
I heard Allison call out: “Energy efficiency to all, and to all a good night!”